Why all HR representatives should be work-hot.

HUMAN RESOURCES.

Every office has a human resources department, except when it doesn't. But let's focus on the offices with HR departments and primarily let's focus on why only work-hot people should be HR representatives.

HR is primarily about maintaining good employee relations and, in larger offices, attracting new employee talent. That's their only fucking job. Everything HR does should be geared toward those two purposes, with the huge emphasis on the first.

Most HR departments, of course, think they run the fucking joint because they know how much money people make and because they can "term" (that's the cutesy industry term) anyone they see fit.

HR people are awful in general.

The only acceptable HR people I've ever been involved with are work-hot. They can be male or female, but HR people should be attractive.

Ugly HR people are the fucking worst.

You know the type: the overweight lady with the frumpy clothes who got picked on in high school and has a bone to pick with everyone because Johnny called her fat in seventh grade. The dorky looking guy who walks like Frankenstein, probably jerks off while listening to Beethoven, and who you wouldn't trust within forty feet of your children.

These people are bad HR representatives because they are not attractive. Unattractive people make bad people in general.

Listen, I'm not going to make this about looks here. It's just that, when you come right down to it, you know if you're ugly, and if you're ugly, you're going to take it out on others when you have the opportunity.

Attractive people can be awful, of course, but despite their often arrogant, vapid personalities, they're at least bringing something to the table: their good looks. Anyone that would discount that is 98% guaranteed to be ugly both inside and out.

And here's the real kicker: The bar is low at the office. You don't have to be hot outside of the office. You just have to be work-hot. If you're a guy and your BMI is below 35, you can get a decent haircut and wear decent clothes and probably be work-hot. If you're a woman and you wear decent clothes and your BMI is below 50, you can probably be work-hot (at least as a hateful rape fantasy).

That's all the rest of the world is asking for. Don't be a bad person. Aspire to be work-hot.

But I hear you now: BUT ETHAN, NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE ATTRACTIVE. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO DO?

It's simple, actually: DON'T WORK IN HR.

HR is for failed beauty queens without personality. HR is for the high school jock who's a fucking m moron but who everyone likes anyway.

HR is not for fat people. It is not for ugly people.

Nobody likes those people, so don't hire them to be part of your HR department.