Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Twitter 101: An Experience

My dear friends. I have been terribly occupied the past several weeks. Where does the time go? I'll let you know when I find out.

It brings me great joy to be able to sit down in front of the typing machine and share the thrilling adventure I have undertaken between now and my previous posting here. A local community college offers a four-week night class that gives you all the tools you need to be a better Twitter writer. Tweeter. Tweet maker. All of the above.

And because I like all of you so much, I'm going to give away some of these tips and tricks to my precious readership. The only cost of admission is a few minutes of your time, and the patience to stay focused -- my writing can get a little off-topic from time to time!

Tip #1: HASHTAGS AND WHEN TO USE THEM

Hashtags are like bacon smothered in honey. I can't get enough of them. The more you use, the more likely it is that someone else will #search and #find your #tweet.

My goal is to have 10,000 followers (at least), and I am absolutely certain that the more hashtags I can jam into my tweets, the more followers I will obtain.

Because people search for words and letters using the hashtag, it's imperative that every tweet contain at LEAST one hashtag. I'm going to make it a personal goal to use at least eight per tweet.

BONUS TIP: Use hashtags to spruce up and add a little color to what some might perceive as an otherwise mundane collection of words.

I can't think of a more fun and cute way to tell everyone you're a little sleepy today.

DOUBLE BONUS TIP: Use hashtags to comment on your tweet -- in the same tweet!


Astute readers may think these bonus tips are mere copies of each other. Please re-read the bonus tips repeatedly until you see the difference. Do not move to the next section until you've reached that conclusion. I'm watching you.

Tip #2: A LITTLE TRICK TO MAKE YOUR TWEETS INTERESTING

I cannot believe I didn't think of this myself, but there is a very subtle way to make your tweets more interesting and catchy than the usual boring business that you see out there from a lot of common folk.

The trick here is to use hyperbole as often as possible:

Obviously, there are some things that are better than getting the card you want on your first thumb into the library card drawers, but on Twitter, you're in it to win it (my high school track coach once told me that). Everything is the best thing ever, at least at that moment.

Tip #3: RETWEETS AND FAVORITES

Retweets are easy. Just hit the button that looks like a square-shaped recycle bin symbol.

But you can do better than that! Thanks to TweetDeck (a handy Twitter client), you can do more than just retweet something.

When hitting the retweet button in TweetDeck, you are presented with the option to "Edit & RT." Do not pass up this option to edit, and insert in some fun commentary:

And then there's the favorite button. I don't like this part of Twitter. I'm either in love with it, or I don't care. Using the favorite button is somewhere in a grey area between those two places, and I'm not interested in visiting.

Here's a great example on why you should avoid the favorite button. Let's take a look at the Miami Herald reporting an incident in Tampa today:

Why are people (39 as I post this) calling this a favorite of theirs? I will block these users when I figure out how to do that.

Anyways. My Twitter usage is going to see a real spike over the next few weeks. I will come back sometime in January with a report on how many Twitter followers I have gained since today. Right now I only have one. Look out, guys!
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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Fuck You, Giving Tuesday

So hey, let's talk about something that sucks.

CHARITY.

Charity at its purest core is fine. It's typically even great! You're giving something of yourself to help someone else. That's all well and good.

But CHARITY in the context of the way its bandied about in the modern world is pretty much the worst thing ever. If you donate your time to a cause, you might not be a jackass. But if you donate money to an organization, the odds are extremely high that you are an asshole.

And so we come to the reason for this post. There is now apparently a bullshit movement known as GIVING TUESDAY. Here's what it's about:
WHAT IS #GIVINGTUESDAY? 
We have a day for giving thanks. We have two for getting deals. Now, we have #GivingTuesday, a global day dedicated to giving back. On Tuesday, December 2, 2014, charities, families, businesses, community centers, and students around the world will come together for one common purpose: to celebrate generosity and to give. 
It’s a simple idea. Just find a way for your family, your community, your company or your organization to come together to give something more. Then tell everyone you can about how you are giving. Join us and be a part of a global celebration of a new tradition of generosity.
I'm sorry (HINT: I'M NOT SORRY), but fuck that shit right in the ass. Let's break it down:
We have a day for giving thanks. We have two for getting deals. Now, we have #GivingTuesday, a global day dedicated to giving back.
Hey, guess what? We didn't need a global day dedicated to giving back because the entire concept of "giving back" is primarily driven by what most people would refer to as "white guilt" (regardless of whether the person is actually white or not). "Giving back" is a construct that people create to avoid thinking critically about the things they do the rest of the year — "DURRRR, I might have not hired any minority candidates and I got the city to approve my plan to displace 30 poor families and I voted for a politician who wants to deport everyone, but I'm donating $10,000 to this scholarship fund so HURRY SOMEONE COME SUCK MY DICK" — and the people they marginalize.
On Tuesday, December 2, 2014, charities, families, businesses, community centers, and students around the world will come together for one common purpose: to celebrate generosity and to give. 
LET'S CELEBRATE GENEROSITY. Are you fucking kidding me? Because we're not celebrating generosity here. You're asking us to celebrate people who give, sure. But the people that deserve celebration for giving are not the ones you're asking us to celebrate. Let's continue.
It’s a simple idea. Just find a way for your family, your community, your company or your organization to come together to give something more.
Translation: Pick a cause that you like, then guilt people you know into donating to it.
Then tell everyone you can about how you are giving. Join us and be a part of a global celebration of a new tradition of generosity.
GOD DAMNIT THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER. "Then tell everyone you can about how you are giving." I mean, I just ... I can't. I can not ... go ... on.

Listen, we all have different motivations in life. Charity to make yourself feel better about the way you act the rest of the year is awful by itself, but when this whole CHARITY concept gets really fucked is when people go running around talking about it. If you are the type of person who goes on a social media site and posts about supporting a cause, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

But hey, that's 20 fucking 14 for you. We have a fucking DAY dedicated to shitheads telling everyone about how they're donating to charity. #GIVINGTUESDAY actually makes the retail thievery that the big box stores perpetuate each year look like Mother Teresa handing out bread crumbs to starving Turkish peasants.

Fuck Giving Tuesday.
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