Friday, November 20, 2015

Morning routine

I'd like to start a dialogue today about your morning routine. As I've tweeted previously, having a good morning is the key to having a good day. I think Benjamin Franklin said this. Or possibly Cal Ripken, Jr.  I don't really remember which.

To get things started, here's mine. Every day I wake up at 5:15 AM to the pleasant sounds of nine variable alarm clocks placed throughout my bedroom. Each clock plays something from nature. A growling bear is one. A screeching hawk is another.

Next, I let my German Shepard, Hans, out to loose his bowels and mingle with the local wildlife around my New Hampshire cabin. During this time I prepare myself a triple espresso. Anything fewer than three iterations of espresso and I don't think I could fathom setting foot outside of my kitchen.

From 6:00 AM until 7:00 AM you'll find me nowhere except buried in the periodicals. While I've traditionally read the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and Wired Magazine, I've also started dabbling on my Tablet (TM) and checking out interesting stories and factoids on ZergNet.com. I also like to use this time to practice my craft on Twitter by thinking up clever #hash #tags.  For more on this, please see my previous posts.

By 7:00 AM I am ready for a two-cup serving of steel cut oats, some freshly picked blackberries, and a small block of Vermont cheddar. You'll notice I get a little dabble of everything in there -- I want to make sure my system is running in tip-top shape. One day, I didn't ingest my typical morning helping of oats. I nearly wound up in prison. That's another story I'll share another time.

Immediately thereafter, I take my morning constitutional, where I usually will get in 2-3 games of "Threes" on my Tablet (TM). This game really is a treat and I recommend you pay $1.99 for the "ad-free" version.

By 8:00 AM I am ready for whatever hurdles and surprises the day might throw at me.

What do I do to pass the time? Bird watching, knitting, and writing detective stories chiefly interest me. I've also been recently employed by a nationwide burrito chain to come up with the literature on their soft drink cups. Can you guess which one? I know there are many, but I like the idea of making a game out of this.

So far, so good on that front, but I worry about their vigilance in providing only non-GMO meats. I really should write them a letter about that.

Well, that's that. I really hope you can take something from my morning routine and apply it to your own!

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Product Idea Wednesday!

Dear Reader:
Things have gotten pretty heavy on this site as of late.  I acknowledge Ethan and the fact that he has composed words and put them to his site, but please note that the opinions of writers are their own and do not represent the opinions of the other fine pushers of prose contributing to this site.  Put another way, Ethan is insane.
That being said, I wanted to share with you a product that needs to be invented.  I'd apply for the patent myself but I am too busy tending to my pumpkin harvest in anticipation of Thanksgiving next week.  What's the idea?  I'll tell you what!  It's a french fry carton that CLOSES.  How often do you get fries in the drive thru only to find them cold and limp by the time you get home?  This exact scenario has happened to me many times, and no, I don't want to discuss it further.  But aren't HOT fries the best?  By having a closed, heat regulated container, you'll still be able to enjoy those hot sticks of grease and starch long after you shuffle through the drive-thru of your local Carl's Jr.  I think it's really a great idea.
Ok reader, get out there and get that carton invented.  And please remember your dear friend Rupert the next time you enjoy a crispy, oily, mass produced fry at your local burger shack.

Love,
Rupert

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

The problem isn't Islam

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem.
And your religion, and your religion ...

A group of folks who subscribe to the Islam religion and are from the Middle Eastern region murdered 129 people while injuring a whopping 352 others, 99 of those critically, last week in Paris. This is an atrocious act and there is no reasonable defense for it.

That is, unless you are a religious person. If you are religious, after all, you must try to live in the way that your deity of choice supposedly tells you to live, and this deity, of course, can be construed by different people to tell them just about anything.

In reaction to this event last week in Paris, the fine people of America and others all over the world pointed to the religion of Islam. Whether you term it "radical Islam" or plain old "Islam" is of little consequence at this point — some form of Islam is to blame here, apparently.

And how could you argue with that stance? After all, the Koran says that Muslims should "fight those who do not believe in Allah ... nor follow the religion of truth ... until they pay the tax in acknowledgement of superiority and they are in a state of subjection."

So, when your asshole cousin posts on Facebook that Muslims have been literally instructed to fight non-believers, he's not wrong.

It's when he implores you to pray for the people of Paris in his very next post that he becomes a fool.

Because, you know, the bible isn't so different from the Koran when it says: "But as for these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slaughter them before me."

You see, your asshole cousin believes he has the moral authority because he believes his religion doesn't teach the same things that Islam does. That Islam is OBVIOUSLY wrong while his religion is MORAL and JUST. Once you subscribe to a religion and living your life according to its central text, you are subscribing to a belief system that you delude yourself into believing is the correct way to live. And most religions have the same central tenet that their belief system is *the* truth or *the* way, and the explicit (or, at the very least, implicit) duty to subdue or at least convert the "other" religions in some fashion.

The recommended means for this action are immaterial if you subscribe to any sort of omniscient being. My slaughter is your state of subjection; if you believe in a deity that tells you things, then you have to allow for the fact that another deity could tell someone else something completely different, and in your worldview that needs to be OK because, again, you're the type of person who believes in an invisible, impossible-to-prove thing.

And the pickle here is that there are no facts to support any of these competing belief systems. At the end of the day, people who subscribe to a religion are believing in something for the sake of having something to believe in. Whether it's because they can't believe in themselves or they need a "light at the end of the tunnel" to live a good life, if you want to give Christians a pass for condemning homosexuality and systemic oppression, then you also need to give Muslims a pass for believing that it's their duty to kill non-believers.

Let's say that I wake up tomorrow and claim that, overnight, I was spoken to by the one true deity and that my life's work was now to convert people to follow me in worshiping this deity. And let's say that this deity told me that my life's work was to procreate with as many women as possible by whatever means necessary, because by doing so, my offspring would also receive my "gift" to speak to this deity, and the world would be a better place.

Well, by the word of my deity himself, that pretty much gives me the green light to break into my neighbor's house and fuck the lady, and to go to a bar downtown and rape women when they come into the third stall on the left, right? You would call that bat shit insane, right? BUT THIS IS GOD'S WORK. HE WILLED IT. It is no more insane than any other religious belief out there.

You can't have it both ways. If you decide that because there are no facts involved with religion, you have to tolerate all forms of it, then I can concatenate any link of absurd beliefs into a new religion, and you have to respect it.

At least that's how it should work. Instead, everyone has "faith" in their particular belief system as they drone on chanting in their church or temple or mosque, and they dismiss each other's beliefs as somehow backward or silly or outright worse than their own.

And that's why, if it were up to me, there would be no religious tolerance of any sort. More people have died in the name of "god" than in any other name throughout history, and while I won't bother to give you a detailed historical explanation of the use of religion to control peoples, there's a reason for that:  Religion is extremely dangerous. They are *all* dangerous. Islam is no more dangerous than Judaism is no more dangerous than Catholicism is no more dangerous than Buddhism. They are all methods of mind control that infect populations and bring down otherwise functional societies.

Why do we tolerate this shit? At some point, you have to call a spade a spade.

At the Democratic debate the other night, Bernie Sanders mentioned that we have thousands of nuclear warheads that we continue to maintain and are incredibly expensive to keep up. My solution to this problem that we've faced for thousands upon thousands of years also incorporates a solution to that problem:

1) Declare the United States of America a religion-free zone. You may not practice religion or pass down religious beliefs. You will be put to death if you refuse to deny the existence of a god.

2) Nuke the rest of the world. We have enough problems cleaning out the religious population here; we can't do this piecemeal the world over. Let's give the human civilization a fresh start by wiping out everything else.

3) Repopulate the world with Little Ethan Averys because my deity said so. Wait, what?

OK, so that's all a bit of a farce and never going to happen, and frankly, I don't entirely give two fucks if you want to believe in a god and subscribe to some asinine religion. But my point is, let's not kid ourselves here: The religion of Islam isn't the problem.

It's religion in general. It's your religion. It's your neighbor's religion. It's all a problem, and it all needs to stop.

Fuck religion.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Alaska and Cheese



Dear Reader:

First, let me apologize for the hiatus - I recently returned from a last minute trek through Alaska and while I will not bore you with the details, I will say that the trip involved an encounter with a pregnant lynx (they are FIERCELY territorial), a footrace with a Juneau townie at 2 a.m., and the consumption of a local form of moonshine that boasts caribou saliva as one of its secret ingredients.  Please post in the comments if you would like to hear more about this trip, otherwise I'm done talking about it.

My main reason is to get something off my chest: I love cheese in most (not all!) of its forms.  I wanted to share my favorites and some tips should you choose to become a cheese aficionado yourself.

Right off the bat - please never consume a slice of American "cheese".  I consider this brand of cheese an abomination and will not devote any further time acknowledging its existence.

That being taken care of, I will say that my favorite type of cheese is a nice AGED cheddar.  How aged?  2 years, minimum.  That shit needs to crumble - if you can slice it, don't bother.  I prefer my cheddar with a nice Honeycrisp apple, but a Fuji will do in a pinch.

When I'm in the mood I also seek out gouda, preferably smoked.  If you're going with the smoked variety, insist that the grocer prove that the cheese was smoked in the traditional Dutch method.  Trust me, it's worth it.

Finally, if I'm really feeling festive I will buy 4-5 ounces of a nice Havarti.  I enjoy this in a grilled cheese because of how nicely it melts.  If you want to go hispanic, get Havarti with peppers in it.  A real south of the border treat!  Grilled cheese sandwiches may be consumed at any meal, by the way.

I hope you enjoyed this post.  Please feel free to share with your friends, loved ones, and to your enemies if they are lactose intolerant.


Cordially yours,

Rupert

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Serial Podcast Talk!

Dear Readers,

My sincere apologies for the delay in postings – the Holiday Season has come and gone and I find myself once again yearning for mulled wine, Elf on the Shelf, and bitter arguments with my father about whether I’m truly a “man” or still a child. 

However, I was able to listen for 512 consecutive minutes to the excellent “Serial” podcast narrated by the delightful and oddly seductive Sarah Koenig.  I really suggest you try listening to this podcast – it is like sitting around a fireside in the 1940s waiting for the weekly radio serial to come on, only now you can binge listen on your Samsung Note ™ while taking consecutive loops on the monorail at Walt Disney World. It really made me nostalgic for the days of yesteryear.

Anyways, I of course listened to the podcast a total of 5 times over the past two weeks.  I’ve spent hundreds of hours on the sub-reddit and have even booked a trip to Baltimore to tour all of the prominent sites from the story.  I really think this is the only way to truly experience this phenomenon, although I suppose casually listening while you drive to and from work, and shortly thereafter moving on with your life would be acceptable too.

I’m not going to go into the ultimate result of the podcast – I’m just glad that it exists and hope that the format continues!  Frankly I’m sick of pretentious longform New Yorker pieces about the history of cookie cutter stencils.  I prefer my pretentious media in audio form, thanks.

So how will I fill the gaping maw that is my free time now that I do not have “Serial”?  First, I’ll be writing to you more!  And second, while I cannot divulge all information given its sensitivity, I can tell you that I may or may not be involved in the search for treasure buried by Robert E. Lee beneath one of his plantations in Virginia.  I just hope that those awful Van Buren Boys don’t get there first.


Yours in sleuthing,



Rupert Chang